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Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Sonderful






I thought I was the only person who did this.

I can stop dead still in a crowd, stare into a crowd, sit for hours watching people go by and just think. 

I think about a lot of stuff. 

How every single person in that moment that I am seeing has a family. A loved one. Achievements. Goals. Dreams. Ambitions. A first kiss. A broken heart. A story to tell. A life to live. A life that has been lived. And so so so much more. 

Everything that I feel or that I have done, is probably being simultaneously echoed by another person in this crowd. 

But because humans life is so introcate with a billion billions of different variations of how one can live their life, you'll never know the ways in which the majority of people are living their lives.

They'll be an extra in your life. 

That person that bumped into you in a coffe shop and didn't apologise.
The person you have an unspoken competition as to who can pedal the fastest on a bike at the gym.
The person you make eye contact with as you get off of a train.
That busker playing his heart out.
The dog walker who can't seem to control their dog.

Every single person that you pass every single day. 

All extras.
Background people to your life.

Your life is filled with hundreds and thousands of extras, whom you will never know and likely never see again. 

And to think, we're all human.
We all experience the same feelings as each other.

Yes we all have trials and tribulations specific  to our journey through life, but we all move through this earth the same. 

We all exist together.

I think about this a lot.

And it wasn't until recently that I discovered that this very expansive way of thinking about complete and utter strangers actually had a word that could define it.

Sonder 



I think it's an absolutely fascinating way of looking at the world.

The thing is, since spending a lot of time thinking about Sonder and finding out that it is an actual word, I have made an effort to not be just an extra in peoples lives.

I don't want to that person who just appears in someone's life as an extra.

Obviously, there are so many people in the world that to aim to have an impact of everyone's life is a little bit un-realistic, but the thing is, I don't want to just be a person that is just in someones life momentarily.


I want to make an impact.
I want to be unforgettable.

If i'm that person who says "you're hair looks nice" or "I like your nails" when I speak to you, and it makes you feel good. Then i'm happy.

If i'm that person who makes you laugh when i'm working and you are going on your holiday and you remember me. Then i'm happy.

If you see a picture of me online, then stumble upon me in real life and you recognise me, then i'm happy.

The thing is, I don't want to be famous. I don't want to be recognised by every single person all over the world.

One of my biggest fears is that I was born, I walked this earth, I lived and when I die no memory of me will continue. It'll be as if I was never here.

I want to make an impact because (argh I hate the fact i'm using a quote from a Beyonce song in this but) I want people to know that I was here.

If you think that makes me arrogant, then I guess i'm arrogant. But I don't think this has anything to do with my ego.

I just want to make an impact on someones life for a good reason. 

The wonder of Sonder is that we are all living lives as complex as each other simultaneously. 
I just don't want my life to be another one that exists invisibly within your life.

I want to be featured part, not an extra.


-Harry

Friday, 19 June 2015

Coming Full Circle







Flashback to me being 17/18 years old.

The picture on the left. 

An overweight boy, hiding his sexuality, un-happy and dissatisfied with the way he looked and the lie he was living. All mixed together with a false bravado of self-confidence. 

A hot mess. 

At this point I was in college, just about to embark on an adventure to the University Of Winchester that would change my life forever. 

It was just before leaving college that my passion for dance was ignited and when ai seriously decided that a career in the performing arts was something that I could not live without. I owe a lot to my time in college because without those two years, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Then in the blink of an eye, it was over and I was being driven down to Winchester to start a journey where I would completely change my body, finally come out, live life the way I wanted too and take the first steps on the path to learning to love myself.

Now fast forward to my life now. 22 years old, fully focused on achieving my dreams, in a loving relationship and still working on learning to love my body.

The picture on the right.

However, this week is a particularly special week. 

I was invited by one of my old teachers, and personal inspirations, to come and teach a fitness class as part of "Velocity Festival" 

Now for most, the prospect of teaching a fitness class is kind of just a standard thing. You just turn up and you teach.

But for me, to have gone through such a dramatic body and lifestyle change in the last few years has been an absolute rollercoaster. 

To to back to a place that somewhat triggered my thinking into making this big change is rather special. It's like coming full circle.

It's honouring you roots and beginnings and I could not be happier or prouder of myself for making this journey. 

I got to see so many of the teachers that inspired me to go on and achieve things with my life. I'm honestly overwhelmed with the comments they have made about my journey so far and I am honoured to have the opportunity to try to give something back to the people and to the place that inspired me so much.

It might not seem like such a big thing to most, but to me it's a very special experience.

Thank you to the people that turned up to my classes, it truly does mean a lot. 



 






- Harry 

Friday, 12 June 2015

Heterosexual Homosexuality




Hi, my name is Harry Casella. I'm a 22 year old man and I have a boyfriend who I have been with for nearly four years.

And no, i'm not the "girl" in the relationship. 
And no, he's not the "girl" in the relationship.

Here's a crazy idea, no-one in a homosexual relationship is "the girl". 

Strangely because, we're both gay MEN.

I always get asked it and i've never really understood why.

Why do people tend to always ask which man in a homosexual relationship is "the girl"?
Where has this idea come from?
Why do people think that a relationship between two men involves having someone being a girl?

I am a little bit more feminine than my boyfriend and he is more masculine than I am, but that doesn't mean that I am "the girl" in our relationship. 

Because, here's the thing, in a homosexual relationship between two men, both of them are men. Weird right?

I get asked it all the time. "Oh so who is the girl in your relationship? Who's the man?" 

And to be honest, to begin with, it didn't really annoy me. 

Until I read a quote that said:

"Destroy the idea that in homosexual couples one has to be masculine and one has to be feminine to imitate heterosexuality" 

Since I read that, I have now developed an issue with people asking me whether or not I am "the woman in or relationship".

It is literally projecting the idea of heterosexuality on to homosexual couples. It's almost like society isn't as accepting of homosexuals as they would like to think because they are still projecing ideals of heterosexuality upon gay couples.

I never thought of it as a negative, in fact to be completely honest I used to play up to it and say "I can't propose to damien because I'm way more of the girl in the relationship and it should be the other way round".

Which looking back on, is completely and utterly wrong. 

I've thought about this quote a lot recently, and it's true, we need to destroy the idea that in a relationship between two males, one has to fit a female stereotype just to be considered acceptable. 

It's ridiculous and I'm annoyed at myself for buying into this ludicrous aesthetic. 

In a homosexual relationship between two gay men, neither one is "the girl".

Neither one has to be masculine or feminine. 

Stop trying to force your imitations of heterosexuality upon homosexuality because quite obviously they are very, very different things. 


Wednesday, 3 June 2015

When You Inspire Others, You Forget To Inspire Yourself




I have never really thought of myself as being inspirational. When people say that I am, I kind of struggle to get my head around it.

I have had a couple of messages on my tumblr from various strangers saying that my blog is inspirational and that I, as a person, am very inspirational to them.

And I can't help but still be completely baffled by this notion. 

Firstly, why does anyone actually give any shits about what I have to say? 

Secondly, why does anyone pay any attention to anything I say?

Thirdly and probably the most baffling, why does anything I have to say strike an emotional reaction in someone that they feel inspired by me? 


I mean don't get me wrong, everytime I receive a message, be it text, email, tweet, facebook, anon messages on tumblr etc from someone saying that I inspire them, I am almost reduced to tears everytime.

It's honestly the greatest feeling in the world to hear that I have had that affect on someone. 

But I just don't understand why it happens? 

This isn't me fishing for compliments at all. 

I just genuinely don't understand it.

The majority of the time I have a very low view of myself and my self worth and I use this blog as a way to, almost document the battle I have in my head.

What I mean by that is, every post I've written that could be seen to have an inspirational message in it, is fundamentally an argument I'm having with myself. It's the positive part of my internal monologue fighting against the negative part that is around the majority of the time. 

And I guess whats weird is that arguements that I have in my mind, that I write down and share with you all, actually evoke a response in whoever decides to read it. 

I can't get my head around it. 

I always hoped to inspire people but, I just thought I chatted a load of shit and no-one would ever pay any attention to what I had to say. 

And recently, I've come to realise something. 

I may have written some posts that individuals may have found inspirational in some way. 

But as i'm writing them, i'm still battling with my own demons and my own doubts about myself and i'm still struggling everyday to keep motivated about everything. 

So i'm currently stuck in this paradox where i'm inspiring people but struggling to find inspiration for myself. 

I find myself talking to so many people about their lives and trying my best to make them ignite their drive towards their dream, but taking absolutely no notice of what im saying for myself.

Ultimately, perhaps this is why I struggle to believe that what I say actually motivates or inspires anyone. 

I can dish out the inspiration, but I struggle to actually apply it to my life.

I guess when you spend all your time inspiring others you forget to inspire yourself. 

I've been feeling pretty down recently about a lot of things and I think it's about time I took some of my own inspiration back for myself.


-Harry